Hidalgo

Grade: C-

I had considered writing lyrics to the tune of “Mr. Ed,” but I think I’ll spare you.

On second thought, what the hell. Everybody Sing!

Hidalgo’s not Viggo, of course, of course.
Surprise! It’s the name of hunk Mortenson’s HORSE!
As mystical as, say, King Aragorn’s horse,
The steed is named Hidalgo!

No emails, please. I never claimed to be songwriter.

In this overly long, parched as the desert, old-fashioned action epic wannabee, cowboy Viggo takes the legendary (who knew?) mustang to the famed Arabian desert horseraces of the 1800’s (who knew?) to prove his horse’s merit as the greatest long distance horse the world has even known.

Who cares?

This surprisingly dull “Indiana Jones” ripoff even has the evil Bedouin marauder whipping his curved sword in dramatically threatening arcs before our hero kills him from 10 feet away. Sound familiar? There’s the veiled yet strong-willed princess who is revealed to be a striking possible love interest, the meannie frontrunner replete with hawk perched on the shoulder, the orphaned child our cowboy takes under his wing, the gap- toothed sheikh who secretly loves old fashioned western comic books. And, in the center of it all is a horse that makes Seabiscuit look like your basic slummer. Magical stamina and impressive intelligence, this horse gallops through heat, sun and sandstorms, enthralls onlookers and inspires his owner, usually without water, rest, speared through the chest and with a bloody nose. He’s faster than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. It’s a bird, it’s a plane. It’s a horse. It’s not so much dreadful as it is “been there, done that better.” And when the piece tries to get all spiritual and American Indians start materializing out of the desert vapor, well, let’s face it, the appeal quickly becomes limited to:

-Parents with children and few options.
-LOTR fanatics who feel an obligation to support the cast in all future endeavors (guilty as charged).
-People with horse fetishes.

And, there really needs to be a law setting an accuracy threshold before films attach a “based on a true story” moniker. I’m thinking this one starts making in up as it goes along somewhere after the name of the horse and his owner.

More Movie Info: http://imdb.com/title/tt0317648/