The Twilight Saga: Eclipse

Grade: D+

Poorly adapted, sloppily directed and atrociously acted, this one is dead on arrival. Pun intended.

And, as you may recall, I’m a huge Twilight fan.

I found the first “Twilight” surprisingly good, the sequel “New Moon” entrancing, so why such a prominently downward spiral? Sadly, the answer is an easy one – the creative team got lazy with a sure fire franchise. No one said adapting beloved novels (especially a series) was easy. The “Harry Potter” films have suffered greatly under the weight of absolute fidelity to the novels, boorishly directed by some and overly stylized by others, they have run the gamut of cinematic experiences – hypnotic to tranquillizing.

“Eclipse” is deadly dull and goes nowhere fast.

It’s not grandly surprising that director David Slade wasn’t connected to the first two films, as it plods along from one uninteresting scene recreation to another. The storytelling is confused, the pace excruciating, the melodrama trickly sweet and thoroughly deadpan. Themes of sexism and abstinence-only (a longstanding and unresolved debate in my office) are here blatantly apparent and thoroughly mind numbing.

“I love you.” “I love you more.” “I will not kiss you until you ask me to.” “Kiss me, you fool.” “I want to have sex with you while I’m still me.” “Not until after the wedding, my love.”

You call this stuff human/vampire/werewolf romance? Scarlett and Rhett, they’re not.

What is surprising, and exceedingly shameful, is that composer Howard Shore has received a paycheck for ripping off his own breathtaking “Lord of the Rings” score, replete with soaring stanzas and dramatic melodies – it is painful to acknowledge while sitting in the theater I thought it D-rate Howard Shore before I actually discovered he was the composer. Interspersed with poorly selected pop songs only makes the film more disjointed. It is a relief that Shore cannot also be blamed for the appropriated Peter Jackson camera work, pull away shots of mountaintops and forest ranges simply screaming cinematic plagiarism. A snowcapped mountain finale scene is the stuff of a Universal Studio back lot tour. Flashbacks so gothic, mysterious and filled with pathos in the novels here become throwaway, confused and meaningless expositions. 100 minutes in, we finally get some action that is tensionless (despite Shore’s music telling us otherwise) rushed, and CGI’d to within an inch of its life.

Robert Pattinson, solid in the first films and terrific in the recent “Remember Me” broods. Then he broods. Then he broods some more for good measure. Why Bella chooses him over Jacob is anyone’s guess, as there isn’t a hint of attraction written into Melissa Rosenberg’s lethargic screenplay. Taylor Lautner doesn’t fare much better moving dexterously between puppy dog and seething – even I tired of his amazing (and overtly displayed) body in short order. Kristen Stewart is adequate if obviously embarrassed, Bryce Dallas Howard screamingly abominable as the red-headed villainess of the piece. The Cullen vampire clan is given absolutely nothing of interest to do and they all deliver admirably.

Get your shit together, guys – Novelist Stephanie Meyer may be no J.K. Rowling, but she still deserves better than this. Lord knows we Twilighters do.

More Movie Info: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1325004/