The Battle of Shaker Heights

Grade: D+

“Good Will Hunting” was produced for just under $10 million, was directed by Gus Van Saint, and co-stared Robin Williams. In an effort to give something back to the community and help aspiring screenwriters achieve their moviemaking dreams, Ben Affleck and Matt Damon launched “Project Greenlight,” a severely flawed gimmick that provides screenwriters with $1 million, directors with no major motion pictures to their names, virtually no time for pre or post production, and a ludicrous shooting schedule.

Not exactly an even trade, boys.

It's hard to walk into a film with the pre-knowledge that what was supposed to be a drama with comedic flourishes was reedited at the last minute to become a comedy with occasional dramatic flare-ups. In their infinite wisdom, Miramax panicked after a test audience gave the original cut poor ratings, and forced the beleaguered directors to do a 180 before releasing the picture. The fact that there was only enough comedy (such as it is) for a choppy, muddled 80 minutes on screen seemed of little concern. As such, the piece isn't even a movie, more like a confused college level exercise in don't let this happen to you. As the film's protagonist, Shia La Beouf tries valiantly to infuse some charm into the piece, but all the acting feels harried and incomplete, as though line readings were filmed before the actors had the opportunity to delve into anything as complex as motivation or character development. Frankly, it's all rather an embarrassment.

But, then again, what can one expect from producing talent that pontificates about quality filmmaking at the same time they spawn the "American Pie" movies upon the world?

More Movie Info: http://imdb.com/title/tt0357470/

Thirteen

Grade: D

I just found number seven on my worst of 2003 list. First Rob Lowe became a teenage father, then Scott Baio became a teenage alcoholic, and now this.

A good teenager falls under the evil influence of a fellow teenager and runs amuck – provocative clothing, tongue and belly button piercing, soon followed by bongs and blow jobs. The camera tilts, the picture turns to black and white, the kids screeches, the mother calls her 12-step sponsor. Where’s the deadbeat father? There he is! Where’s the mother’s recovering drug addict boyfriend? There he is! What does the mother do for a living? What else – she cuts hair in the living room. Just when this dreck can’t possibly become any more over the top, melodramatic, or filled with its own self-importance, the kid breaks out the razor blades and starts cutting.

The performances are all appropriately dour, high strung, angst ridden and overwrought, the camera work appropriately choppy and pretentious, and the screenplay simply never misses a single cliché ridden beat. You mean, this was actually written by a thirteen year old? As my father brilliantly declared when I finally came out to him that I was gay -- and I quote -- “My. Oh my. What a shocking surprise.”

Where’s Helen Hunt to nose dive through a second story window screaming that bugs are all over her when you need her?

More Movie Info: http://imdb.com/title/tt0328538/

Gigli

Grade: D-

I know what you may think some boring evening at home. You’ll be thinking “Hey, let’s get bombed on frozen margaritas and rent ‘Gigli’ at a local Blockbuster. What a hoot to see such a notoriously bad bad movie.”

Been there, done that.

Trust me, it’s a big mistake in judgment.

A hitman (Ben Affleck, with the worst Mafioso accent one is ever likely to hear) and a hitwoman (Jennifer Lopez, playing a lesbian -- or is she just waiting for a real man like Ben to come along?) kidnap a mentally challenged youth (with an IQ that wavers somewhere between 40 and 100, depending on the scene) for reasons that couldn’t be less important if they tried.

There’s nothing to say that hasn’t already been said. Better to share some of the dialogue taken directly from the movie:

“It’s pronounced ‘jee-lee’, it rhymes with really”.
(Affleck explaining his name to people repeatedly)

“In every relationship, there is a bull and a cow. I’m the bull, you‘re the cow.”
(Affleck explaining to Lopez that he’s the man in charge)

“I don’t need to be dipping into the sisterhood…the guys you’ve been with didn’t know how to bring home the pearls when they were diving for oysters.”
(Affleck explaining to Lopez why she must be a lesbian)

“It’s turkey time, gobble gobble. Lay some of that sweet heterolingus on me.”
(Lopez, finally letting Affleck have his way with her)

“God bless you, penis.”
(Affleck, having just gotten laid by his lesbian coworker)

“If you ever do think about hopping the lesbian fence, give me a call first.”
(Affleck tenderly trying to tell Lopez he’s fallen for her)

Many of those involved with this movie should never be allowed to work anywhere near Hollywood again. Better they should all stay home, look at themselves in a mirror, and masturbate at their starstruck selves. And least we wouldn’t have to pay to watch.

More Movie Info: http://imdb.com/title/tt0299930/